Kranky Kricket: Mommy Guilt

Oh my, I just realized, here at 7:30 PM on a Saturday, that I forgot to post a blog yesterday. I had it all planned out in my head too. But have no fear, brave reader, I am here now. Following is a slightly pessimistic, and rambling, view of motherhood.

So let's talk about Mommy Guilt. It's a thing, I'm sure of it. And it's brought on by some crazy idea of what the "perfect" mother should be. In my mind, the "perfect" Mom is one who keeps her house clean, kids properly fed and appropriately clothed, is loving but firm in her disciple, keeps her kids busy doing healthy or educational things, sticks to a good schedule/routine, and is always productive. Any thing else, like hobbies or spending time with people who are not your kids, is just gravy.

I am none of those things. Well, I might be a couple of them on any given day and I've only manged to do all of them at once, maybe twice a month, but that's it.

I'm always behind on the house work, and my house isn't even all that big. There are some days where the majority of Will's diet is Goldfish and we're all in our PJ's all day. My disciple ranges from spoiling the boys, to completely over reacting to minor things. The boys spend way too much time watching TV and not enough time being outside or doing something constructive. My routine, even when written down, is all over the place most days. And I spend way to much time being online doing next to nothing.

I am so far from perfect it's scary and depressing. And there are many days that I go to bed kind of hating my self for it. And rationally, I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way, I KNOW that no one is perfect, not even those people I look up too. I KNOW that there really isn't such a thing as "perfect". And yet, I always find my self lacking.

All of this, is Mommy Guilt. We Moms want the best for our families and we want to give them our all and make life easy and beautiful for them. I mean, that's our job right? It's not enough that we're pregnant for 9 long awful months and then push a baby out of our abused bodies. We're expected to care for and nurture every aspect of this tiny creature's entire life.

And this Guilt doesn't even cover our other roles as Wives, or Employees, or Friends, or Family. This just has to do with children.

It's a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure. Lives are in our hands. If we mess it up, there's a whole life damaged and scarred, that might not be able to recover. Lot of freaking pressure, I tell you. Thus, the Guilt.

And Mommy Guilt can be debilitating, trust me, I know. I fight it every day. I open my eyes every morning and have to decide how I'm going to approach this day and by the time I close my eyes at night, nothing has gone as I planned. Sometimes it's totally out of my control, but many times, I know it's my fault and what I did wrong. I promise to do better the next day, but it never really gets better. The Guilt makes it hard to get up the next day. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep, hoping that when I wake up, all the problems will just go away.

To be really blunt, it fucking sucks. ((or no, she said the F word, run for your lives, cover your bleeding ears!))

BUT, I offer hope, more for my self than you, but you can have it too, I'll share. Now, repeat after me: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. SCREW WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO OR THINK. YOU ARE THE MOTHER TO YOUR CHILDREN, YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR THEM AND YOUR SELF. THE REST OF THE WORLD CAN EAT YOUR HOME MADE CHOCOLATE POOP PIE! (bonus cookies for the person who gets that reference)

Now, go forth, dear reader, and enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Comments welcome!

Facebook is Silly

Has anyone noticed this trend on Facebook?

It's kind of ridiculous isn't it? I mean, the ones about family/friends are OK I guess. It's cute to those of your family/friends who are on Facebook. But the ones that bother me are the Jesus ones. Like this:

I mean really? So by scrolling past this picture, because, frankly it's ugly, I am now a Satan lover? I'm pretty sure Christ doesn't care one tiny bit if you hit that stupid like button for a picture of Him. Trust me when I say that is not how you're going to get into heaven.

And I don't mean to be insulting to those of you who do hit that "Like" button. But wouldn't it be better to show you love for Jesus by, say, following his commandments, doing service for those in need and just being Christ-like in general? Wouldn't that mean more in the long run than the .002 seconds it took you to hit "Like"?

Yeah... Just a thought.

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Thanks for reading! Don't forget to comment! 

Have you noticed I'm posting regularly? If I keep this up you'll see book reviews every Monday & Friday and then something like what you just read on Wednesdays. :)

Happy Wednesday!

Mommy Confessions

Seeing as this blog is titled "Kricket's Konfessions" I've got somethings to confess that I haven't before and it has to do with motherhood. Most people know that being a mommy is freaking hard. It's hard with one kid and then it just gets harder with a second. But for me, in some respects, Jacob has been a lot easier than William was at this stage.

You see, giving birth to William was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was in labor for over 24 hours and I spent two and a half hours trying to push him out. There were a lot of things that went wrong in the day and a half it took to bring Will into this world that made an already scary thing that much more terrifying. And even though William came out perfect and healthy, I ended up being torn up physically, mentally and emotionally.

I am not exaggerating when I say that I remember next to nothing about the first couple months of William's life. Because of how much physical pain I was in I was taking a lot of Percecet for the first couple weeks. I forced myself to stop taking it, despite the pain, because I didn't like the way it made me feel. Also, I was worried about how it was effecting Will.

I tried to nurse Will for the first three weeks of his life. It was agonizing. Will didn't take to nursing very easily and I learned very quickly that I could not function without sleep. After only a few days, I dreaded feeding my baby. According to my husband and my mother, I cried every time I had to feed him. It was a miserable experience for all of us.

It took my mother, who is a huge nursing advocate, to tell me that I should formula feed William for the misery to stop. It's like I needed someone to give me permission. I felt guilty for not giving my baby what everyone said was best for him. But once I started bottle feeding him, things began to get better.

As I said, there were also some mental/emotional concerns as well. During the delivery, I felt my mind crack. I was so panicked and out of control and terrified. I thought I was prepared. I went to all the classes, read all the books, but I had no clue. And honestly, no one really does their first time, but other circumstances just made everything worse.

I was a mess when I got home. With my mental state and the hormone changes that all new moms go through, I was barely sane. Little things would set me off. William crying would send me into a panic. There were many, many times that I just had to leave him in his crib and close the door while he screamed. I was horrified by the waves of violence that would surge through me.

In retrospect, I had quickly crossed the line from baby blues to full on postpartum depression. And poor Daniel, he had no idea how to help me. Luckily, my mom came to help.

Two things pulled me back to myself, bottle feeding and going back to work. When I switched to the bottle I was finally able to get some sleep as well as do other things instead of holding a baby to my breast all day. And even though I really didn't want to go back to work, having something else to focus on and interacting with other adults really helped me. There was a time where every morning I'd wake up and think "Oh, I just found another little piece of me."

It hasn't been until just recently that I could admit that I was very very close to the edge there. It's terrifying to think back on but it also makes me so grateful for what I have now.

Giving birth to Jacob and this first month of his life have been a breeze in comparison. I was calm and relaxed through the delivery; no panic, no loosing control. And while I'm still sleep deprived most days, I can't help but smile at my sweet little boy.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't loose my temper sometimes or even wonder why in the world I had a second baby; but at the end of the day I can still look at both of my sons and smile and feel this overwhelming love for them.

I am not a perfect mom, but they are perfect spirits that Heavenly Father has graced me with. I don't know how I deserve them and I pray everyday that I don't screw them up. I try my hardest everyday and some days are better than others. Being a mom isn't easy and some days I really wonder if it's worth it, but as long as William keeps smiling at me and Jacob continues to sleep best when I'm holding him then I guess I'm doing something right.

William 2.5 years old and Jacob 1 month

What I Am Thankful For

So, as most of you know, yesterday was Thanksgiving.  I got to spend it with my sister and some of her in-laws and we had a great time.  But, because we were there most of the day I didn't get to say what I was thankful for, so I'm going to take that opportunity now.

I Am Thankful For...

• My husband Daniel.  He spoils me rotten and takes such good care of me and Will.  He really is the best husband/father ever.
• My son William.  He is the joy of my heart.  He is so sweet and funny and he is growing up so fast and gets smarter everyday.  I can't believe he's two years old already.
• Being pregnant.  I know I complain about it a lot because I've been pretty sick this go around, but over all, I'm excited and happy to bring this new little life into our growing family.  I feel it is an honor, given to us women by our Heavenly Father, to have and bear children.  I am proud and grateful that I can.
• Our new life here in Colorado.  Daniel has a great job, we live in a decent area and we are in love with our new ward family here.
• My family.  My siblings both near and far who I can talk to and who I know, despite everything, love me.  And my parents, who did a great job raising me and are always there with advice and laughter.
• My membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I'm grateful for the peace that the Gospel gives me and the truth it teaches me.  I know I'm not always a perfect example of my faith, but I do try.
• Being a stay at home mom.  After having to work for the first year of Will's life, being able to stay home has changed me.  I'm happier and more at peace with my self and I love spending everyday with my Little Man, no matter how many times he makes me watch Cars with him.
• Being a writer.  I love to create new worlds and characters to populate them and then write fun stories about them.  The act of writing is exciting and frustrating at the same time, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 
• All my friends, both in real life and those I've met on the internet *coughAWcough*.  My life just wouldn't be complete without y'all.  You teach me, keep me grounded and make me laugh.
• And finally, I'm grateful for all those little things that we take for granted everyday.  Like having a car or electricity, the internet or food on our table.  There are a lot of people either in this country or around the world that don't have these comforts and we must never forget that it is a privilege to have these things, not a right, and we must strive to be worthy of them.

And that's all folks!  Well I guess I could go on and on, but I'm sure you have better things to do right now.  So thank you soooo much for reading and I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and continue to have Happy Holidays this year. :D

Nerd Mom

First I'd like to apologize for not updating last week. I say I'm going to update every Friday and it doesn't take me long to forget. :) Anyway, real quick before we get into the meat of this blog, no word yet on the job for Daniel. We have to wait for their decision on Monday or Tuesday. So here's hoping *crosses fingers*

I'm a nerd and thus, my children will most likely be nerds as well. So, I figured that I'd start the indoctrination/brain washing early for Will. A week or so ago I found the entire Star Trek: Next Generation series on Netflix. I was thrilled because even when I was young I had a crush on Captain Picard and on Wesley Crusher. So I started watching the show and I average about 2 episodes a day.

Normally, when I watch a show on Netflix I skip the intro credits, but Will started getting excited to see the stars ("star" was one of his first words) and watch the Enterprise whoosh across the screen. Then, just the other day I heard Will trying to hum a few notes of the theme. It made my Mommy Nerd heart proud. :)

I think the next step will either be Dragon Heart or Star Wars. Gotta keep the sci-fi/fantasy love going strong in the blood line. :D

So tell me, fellow nerd parents, what nerdy things have you gotten your kids into? Love to read comments. ;)

Pimpage!

Today I'd like to pimp one of my all time favorite websites Absolute Write Forums. It's a forum for writers of all types, ages, and levels of experience. So if you like to write and you want to connect to other writers, get feedback on stuff you've written, and just have a good time come join me. :) My username on there is Kricket (as if you couldn't guess).

Well, that's it, thank you for reading and I love you all!