Friday, May 25, 2012

Mommy Confessions

Seeing as this blog is titled "Kricket's Konfessions" I've got somethings to confess that I haven't before and it has to do with motherhood. Most people know that being a mommy is freaking hard. It's hard with one kid and then it just gets harder with a second. But for me, in some respects, Jacob has been a lot easier than William was at this stage.

You see, giving birth to William was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was in labor for over 24 hours and I spent two and a half hours trying to push him out. There were a lot of things that went wrong in the day and a half it took to bring Will into this world that made an already scary thing that much more terrifying. And even though William came out perfect and healthy, I ended up being torn up physically, mentally and emotionally.

I am not exaggerating when I say that I remember next to nothing about the first couple months of William's life. Because of how much physical pain I was in I was taking a lot of Percecet for the first couple weeks. I forced myself to stop taking it, despite the pain, because I didn't like the way it made me feel. Also, I was worried about how it was effecting Will.

I tried to nurse Will for the first three weeks of his life. It was agonizing. Will didn't take to nursing very easily and I learned very quickly that I could not function without sleep. After only a few days, I dreaded feeding my baby. According to my husband and my mother, I cried every time I had to feed him. It was a miserable experience for all of us.

It took my mother, who is a huge nursing advocate, to tell me that I should formula feed William for the misery to stop. It's like I needed someone to give me permission. I felt guilty for not giving my baby what everyone said was best for him. But once I started bottle feeding him, things began to get better.

As I said, there were also some mental/emotional concerns as well. During the delivery, I felt my mind crack. I was so panicked and out of control and terrified. I thought I was prepared. I went to all the classes, read all the books, but I had no clue. And honestly, no one really does their first time, but other circumstances just made everything worse.

I was a mess when I got home. With my mental state and the hormone changes that all new moms go through, I was barely sane. Little things would set me off. William crying would send me into a panic. There were many, many times that I just had to leave him in his crib and close the door while he screamed. I was horrified by the waves of violence that would surge through me.

In retrospect, I had quickly crossed the line from baby blues to full on postpartum depression. And poor Daniel, he had no idea how to help me. Luckily, my mom came to help.

Two things pulled me back to myself, bottle feeding and going back to work. When I switched to the bottle I was finally able to get some sleep as well as do other things instead of holding a baby to my breast all day. And even though I really didn't want to go back to work, having something else to focus on and interacting with other adults really helped me. There was a time where every morning I'd wake up and think "Oh, I just found another little piece of me."

It hasn't been until just recently that I could admit that I was very very close to the edge there. It's terrifying to think back on but it also makes me so grateful for what I have now.

Giving birth to Jacob and this first month of his life have been a breeze in comparison. I was calm and relaxed through the delivery; no panic, no loosing control. And while I'm still sleep deprived most days, I can't help but smile at my sweet little boy.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't loose my temper sometimes or even wonder why in the world I had a second baby; but at the end of the day I can still look at both of my sons and smile and feel this overwhelming love for them.

I am not a perfect mom, but they are perfect spirits that Heavenly Father has graced me with. I don't know how I deserve them and I pray everyday that I don't screw them up. I try my hardest everyday and some days are better than others. Being a mom isn't easy and some days I really wonder if it's worth it, but as long as William keeps smiling at me and Jacob continues to sleep best when I'm holding him then I guess I'm doing something right.

William 2.5 years old and Jacob 1 month