Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Fly Wars! A Special Entry From Daniel!

So for the last couple of days we have been attacked by some crazy killer flies. It started with one fly. It was huge and pestered me by dive bombing at my face and then spinning circles around my head while laughing hysterically. I thought this fly is not going to get away with this. It Must DIE!!!!

Since we don’t own a fly swatter I resorted to other means of fly destruction, the rubber band gun. For those that don’t know, a rubber band gun is a very effective way to kill flies. And it’s fun. The problem with fly swatters is when you miss, the fly takes off and you have to chase it around waiting for it to land on a flat enough surface to smash the pesky thing against. Not so with rubber band guns. Almost any surface works and, if you happen to have a nice repeating semi auto rubber band gun, the flies don’t move if you miss! They are totally oblivious to the fact that a whole bunch of killer high speed bands of rubber are smacking the area around them. Once your aim is honed in they’re done for. There is a down side to rubber band guns though. That is the slim but possible chance of shooting your eye out. So far it’s never happened to me; knock on wood.

So I dug out my trusty rubber band gun I made while I was a teenager. It’s a single shot rifle with a wire connecting the classic clothes pin to the trigger allowing for a nice gun feel and better accuracy. (I’m not obsessed really!!!!) So I dig out my rubber band gun and come to find out I’m out of ammo. I dig through the whole house looking every where to find even one rubber band. …..nothing. I am rubber bandless and the fly keeps mocking me with its hysterical laughter and its loops around my head.

So the fly lives another day and I don’t know how it happened, but it seemed that the fly either thought this was so funny he called in two buddies or he strangely separated into two more smaller flies. So now I had three pesky flies zooming through the house like the Red Baron. Dive bombing me and driving me nuts with the buzzing. I decided I was done!

I resorted to an ancient art I learned from an old shaman aka my father in law. I decided to go at these flies with hand to hand combat using a technique I’ve come to call Flyjitsu. In order to master the technique you need to be as stealthy as a hawk and as quick as a snake….well not really its actually pretty easy. You place your hands in the clapping position about eight inches apart. Wait for the fly to land then go right above him and simply clap. Flies really are dumb creatures. They will see your hands move and think “Oh NO I better take off!” Then being your hands are above the fly they fly right in and are smashed. Then of course you must wash your hands. I killed two flies this way almost in a row but, the other one must have been watching cause he figured out Flyjitsu’s weakness.

Flyjitsu only really works when the fly lands on a flat horizontal surface like a table. If the fly lands on a vertical surface, like a wall, the fly has the option of flying up or down and always picks the opposite of where your hands are. So this pesky. little green. nasty fly seeing its comrades go down decides it will have its revenge by pestering me more and not landing on any horizontal surfaces EVER. It buzzed around for half an hour with out landing at all. Then when it did land it landed on every vertical surface in the apartment. After about an hour of this I had had it. So I called around trying to find any body close by that could get me a stupid rubber band.

My sister Sarah came to my rescue and brought a small rubber band ball she had laying around. I pulled a rubber band from it and went hunting! I spotted the fly and followed it until it landed on yet another vertical surface, which is actually perfect when it comes to rubber band guns. I got in position, aimed and fired. In one shot the fly was down. It’s little life ended with in ten seconds of me having received the rubber bands. I stood pleased at the perfect silence that now filled my apartment. At least until another bullet bike went by.

I felt very accomplished and was very happy to now live in a perfectly flyless apartment. I looked around holding my rubber band gun like an old western sheriff looks over his now peaceful town. Then it hit me. I had all these rubber band’s, a good rubber band gun, and no flies! I’m bored again!!!! All well maybe I’ll take it to my parents house.